Today’s new moon in Libra – The ego, accountability and forgiveness.
I think the main way we work through our karma on this earth is in response to other people. That might seem obvious, but how much do we really reflect on the implications of that fact?
How much do we take responsibility for?
How much do we blame others for?
What is the ego, and what is its role in this game?
These are the big things that are up when we encounter the Libra area of life.
I think people make a big mistake when they think about the ego. We tend to think that we have an ego, that it’s part of our nature. But I would say this, you are an ego. You are what you want (your desires). You are how you feel (your emotions). You want things to be good and make you happy. All of that is ego.
As soon as someone interrupts any of this, you protest. Whether externally, where others can hear you, or internally – You protest. One of the main reasons you don’t protest externally is because you don’t want people to think badly of you. That’s your desire, your ego’s desire, to have people like you. So maybe you’ll walk around pretending to like that person, or to not be upset, all the while carrying around resentments toward them. Maybe you’ll put on a nice big phony smile, a political smile. Why would you do this? Because you’re a nice person or because it’s in your best interests to appear friendly?
All of this “behavior” is the ego. Instead of expressing an authentic self, it creates a “personality”. Yet underneath, darkness and confusion prevails. We wonder who we really are beyond all this behavior, and the reflection that comes back from others. We get addicted to the punishments and rewards that we’re used to. We learn how to behave to get the cookie from mommy and daddy, then as adults we repeat the same behavioral patterns as the cookies get more complicated.
But perhaps the most difficult part of the ego is the closed loop that it sets up. The main thing the ego wants is *attention* and *legitimacy* – proof that it’s real. Because what happens is after all the phony smiling and behavior ends, and when that doesn’t get our ego the legitimacy, acceptance, and respect it demands, we get that attention and legitimacy in another way: in the angry backlash, in the tantrum. We set the other person straight. Then afterward, when we suffer the results of that tragic response, we can justify that the person “had it coming” because of what they did to us. Here we tolerated their disrespect, then when we tried to tell them how wrong they were, even then they rejected us.
Meanwhile in this whole drama, the ego remains intact. Impenetrable. The other person had it coming because of how badly they treated you. This is the closed ended loop of the ego, which always needs to be right, legitimate, and the center of your very existence.
Often, it gets even more complicated, especially when we bring in the tyranny of our emotions and the expectation that everyone is here to make us feel good no matter what. Emotions are just as egotistical as ideas if someone’s entire world revolves around their own emotions. When this happens, the ego only knows one thing: how I feel. This type of ego will justify anything if they feel bad and they’ve told themselves it’s because of “what you did to them”, or “who you are”. This is the “I’m a victim” ego that says “every time I feel bad it’s because of something you did to me”. This is very often the ego of “the healer”, the sensitive person who is just being ravaged by everyone else’s ego. We now see this very commonly portrayed, in pseudo spiritual circles, as the “I’m an empath surrounded by narcissists” egoistic idea.
This is just as egotistical as the more commonly viewed interpretation of ego as being “arrogant”. in fact, it might be a little more insidious, because it’s often mixed with this idea that “I’m so loving and so sensitive”, when it’s just that your world / ego revolves around your emotions. They’re just as selfish as the person whose world revolves around their ideas or projections of “arrogance” into the world.
A Higher Course and a Higher Love
The highest octave of Libra is looking at this interplay objectively. The planet Saturn is exalted here, the planet of humility, fairness, sensitivity to everyone suffering not just your own, etc. the greatness of Saturn is in the capacity to forgive others for their mistakes, because we are aware of our own. But this demands that we also feel the pain that our mistakes have caused others, and not justify it as something they had coming.
I have noticed that most people forgive themselves of almost everything they do. I’m sure there are people who will respond to this post reflexively by saying “what about forgiving ourselves”. Yeah, we forgive ourselves of pretty much everything. I would also say that the things we haven’t forgiven ourselves of, we take out on others/blame them for.
So, what about accountability for your mistakes? What about actually apologizing to people you have hurt, and that you know you have hurt? Have you done that? Why haven’t you done that? Is it because of “ego & pride”? I would venture to say “yes”.
People often say, “well what if I apologize and they don’t accept it, they just use it against me”. Well then understand very clearly, that “apology” is all about you, not about them. You’re not sincerely sorry for anything you’ve done. In that case, your apology is just more politics, you want something in return. You will only apologize if you think you’re going to get their forgiveness. But that’s not the reason to apologize.
You should apologize because you’re sincerely sorry that you’ve hurt the other person. A good and sincere apology conveys what you did that hurt them. Because you want to make them feel better, because your words or actions may have hurt them and you care more about them, than you do your own ego. When that is the motivation, a sincere apology could be one of the most healing things ever. I have sincerely apologized many times for mistakes I’ve made. Almost every time it brings me closer to the person because the apology is sincere, and they know it. Other times it has not. And you know what, the people I have apologized to, sincerely, who were unaffected, are the very same people who never apologize themselves. But so what. I still wanted them to know how sorry I was for certain moments in my life when my emotions, anger and frustration got the best of me. I didn’t want the worst version of myself to hurt them.
I have also been on the receiving end of many insincere apologies in my life, and when that happens, I also make it very clear that I don’t believe they are sorry. It’s very clear to tell when an apology it’s just more politics. Usually those apologies say nothing specific, and half of it is what you did to them and justifying why they acted the way they did. That’s not an apology, that’s an ego who wants what it wants and wants you to acknowledge that you were wrong and what they did was perfectly fine and justifiable.
Again, the highest octave of Libra can be seen in the highest virtues of Saturn, the planet exalted in Libra: Humility, Accountability, sincerity, sensitivity to everyone’s suffering.
At this time, please consider these things in your life. Consider the relationships that are fractured and destroyed in your life, and whether you have anything to apologize for. You’ll carry these unresolved relationships to your grave, and probably on your deathbed you will wish you had said “I’m sorry”. Again, Saturn. The regrets of the past lording over the present. Because ultimately, the grievances the angers and frustrations you’re holding onto are not going to mean much. It is all ego. But we are all much more than that, so let’s act like it.